"All art is an act of arrogance."
"You can call me Queen Bee..."
I had a fabulous dream two nights ago! I dreamed that the Queen of England invited me to a party and she liked me so much she decided she wanted me to head up some new initiative, which I can't remember what it was exactly, but the important thing was that the job came with an apartment in London. Oh, my gosh. Awesome. In my dream I was like, "I got this. I am SO meant to be friends with the Queen."
Instead of finding myself in a gorgeous flat in London, I woke up to my suburban home on a grey, drab North Carolina winter day. Ah, reality. It struck me how arrogant I am that even in my dreams I'm thinking that the Queen would want to hang with me! Ha! But even awake, I still think if I met her face to face, I'd be just fine. (She might not like my clothes though. I just read that she's giving her daughter- in-law a wardrobe makeover. If she doesn't approve of Kate Middleton's look, what hope is there for the rest of us?)
A fellow, fabulous artist friend and I were having a conversation over the weekend about how, as driven, creative personalities, we're a blend of confidence and insecurities. I usually say I'm confident in my insecurities. I think in her words were "I'm a big, hot mess and Queen Bee all rolled into one."I like how she says it better. But it's true. There's something about being an artist that assumes that you will stop and take the time to read our words, view our art, listen attentively to our songs and watch our performances on stage or film. We have something to say! Something to express! Why wouldn't everyone want to stop and take notice? I get depressed when no one notices!
Then sometimes people do take notice. Then I find out that they may or may not like what they see. Then I change my mind. I don't feel strong or confident. I want to head for the hills. I want to work for a corporation, so that I can have a 9-5 job and have cool outfits, fun lunch dates and go on business trips to exotic locales (after all, isn't that corporate life?!) and not have people judge what I have to say or how I put a song together. (And what is so wrong with a Bb major seventh chord, anyway?! I happen to love those!)
Oh, my Pollyanna people pleaser problems. I wish they would go away. I wish I was brave like other artists who don't give a damn. (Look! I swore! Fun!) It reminds me of the color purple. Not the movie. I mean the color. I'm a blend of red hot confidence and blue, melancholy insecurities. Purple. :-) Purple has been my favorite color all week and I just got a new, plum colored shirt that I think I will wear every day until it's time to change the color of my clothes.
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